Mudrashram Institute of Spiritual Studies When You Grow Up In a Dysfunctional Family by George A. Boyd © 1992 When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you experience trauma and pain from your parents' actions, words, and attitudes. Because of this trauma you experienced, you grew up changed, different from other children, missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare you for adulthood, missing parts of your childhood when you were forced into unnatural roles within your family. For some of you, it has led you to attempt to flee the pain of your past by alcohol or drug use. Others of you feel inexplicably compelled to repeat the abuses that were done to you on your own children or with your own spouse. Others of you have felt inner anxiety or rage, and don't know why you feel as you do. You were innocent, and your life was changed dramatically by forces in your family you had no control over, and now you are an adult survivor of that trauma. This article will discuss what these families are like, what is the impact of growing up in these families, and what you can do to begin the process of healing. Roles Within Dysfunctional Families A dysfunctional family is one in which the relationships between the parents and children are strained and unnatural. This is usually because one of the family members has a serious problem that impacts every other member of the family, and each member of the family feels constrained to adapt atypical roles within the family to allow the family as a whole to survive. The spouse in this family may enable the problem spouse to maintain employment by lying for him or her, for example. He or she may become obsessive about the problem spouse's abnormal behavior, such that he or she loses perspective in his or her own life, a pattern that is called codependency. Sharon Wegscheider referred to this family role in alcoholic families as that of the Enabler.1 The children also assume roles within the family to make up for the deficiencies of parenting. Sharon Wegscheider referred to these roles within the alcoholic family as the Hero, the Scapegoat, the Lost Child, and the Mascot.2 The Enabler protects and takes care of the problem spouse, whom Sharon Wegscheider refers to as the Dependent,3 so that the Dependent is never allowed to experience the negative consequences of his or her actions. While the Enabler feels angry and resentful about the extra burden that is placed upon him or her by the Dependent's unhealthy, irresponsible and antisocial behavior, he or she may feel powerless to do anything about it. The Enabler feels he or she must act this way, because otherwise, the family might not survive. While the family is afforded survival by the Enabler's responsibility, the Enabler may pay the cost of stress-related illness, and never have his or her own needs met, in effect, being a martyr for the family. The paradoxical thing about the Enabler's behavior is that by preventing the Dependent's crisis, he or she also prevents the painful, corrective experience that crisis brings, which may be the only thing that makes the Dependent stop the downward spiral of addiction. The Hero, who is usually the oldest child, is characteristically over-responsible and an over-achiever. The Hero allows the family to be reassured it is doing well, as it can always look to the achievements of the oldest son or daughter as a source of pride and esteem. While the Hero may excel in school, be a leader on the football team or a cheerleader, or obtain well-paying employment, inwardly he or she is suffering from painful feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as nothing he or she does is good enough to heal his family's pain. The Hero's compulsive drive to succeed may in turn lead to stress-related illness, and compulsive over-working. The Hero's qualities of appeasement, helpfulness and nurturing of his or her parents may cause others outside the family to remark upon the child's good character, and obtains him or her much positive attention. But inwardly, the Hero feels isolated, unable to express his or her true feelings or to experience intimate relationship, and is often out of touch with his or her own sources of spirituality. The Scapegoat, who is often the second born, characteristically acts out in anger and defiance, often behaving in delinquent ways, but inwardly he or she feels hurt in that the family's attention has gone to the Dependent or the Hero, and he or she has been ignored. The Scapegoat's poor performance in school, experimentation with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sexuality, flaunting of the conventions of society, or involvement in adolescent gangs or criminal activity may lead him or her to be labeled the family's problem, drawing attention away from the Dependent's addiction. This behavior can also be seen as a cry for help, and it is often the delinquency of the Scapegoat that leads the entire family into treatment. The acting out behavior of the Scapegoat may bring with it substance abuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs, early pregnancy for which he or she is not prepared, or incarceration. The hostile and irresponsible attitude of the Scapegoat may lead him or her into accidents, or acts of violence against others or self. The attitude of defiance may lead him or her to do poorly in school, effecting future employment and the opportunity to earn an adequate income. The Scapegoat's cleverness and manipulation may be used to engage in leadership of peer groups, or in the invention of schemes of dubious legality, or outright criminality, to earn a livelihood. Though the Scapegoat may develop social skills within his or her circle of peers, the relationships he or she experiences tend to be shallow and inauthentic. The Scapegoat, cast in the role of a rebel, may have lost touch with his spiritual potentials and morality, as well. The Lost Child role is characterized by shyness, solitariness, and isolation. Inwardly, he or she feels like an outsider in the family, ignored by parents and siblings, and feels lonely. The Lost Child seeks the privacy of his or her own company to be away from the family chaos, and may have a rich fantasy life, into which he or she withdraws. The Lost Child often has poor communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships, and may have confusion or conflicts about his or her sexual identity and functioning. These children may be seen to seek attention by getting sick, asthma, allergies, or by bed-wetting. Lost Children may attempt to self-nurture by overeating, leading to problems with obesity, or to drown their sorrows in alcohol or drug use. The solitude of a Lost Child may be conducive to the development of his or her spirituality and creative mental pursuits, if low self-esteem does not shut down all efforts at achievement. The Lost Child often has few friendships, and commonly has difficulty finding a marriage partner. Instead, he or she may attempt to find comfort in his or her material possessions, or a pet. This pattern of escape may also lead him or her to avoid seeking professional help, and so may remain stuck in his or her social isolation. The Mascot role is manifested by clowning and hyperactivity. The Mascot, often the youngest child, seeks to be the center of attention in the family, often entertaining the family and making everyone feel better through his or her comedy and zaniness. The Mascot, in turn, may be overprotected and shielded from the problems of life. Inwardly, the Mascot experiences intense anxiety and fear, and may persist in immature patterns of behavior well into adulthood. Instead of dealing with problems, the Mascot may run away from them by changing the subject or clowning. The Mascot uses fun to evoke laughter in his or her circle of friends, but is often not taken seriously or is subjected to rejection and criticism. The Mascot commonly has difficulty concentrating and focusing in a sustained way on learning, and may develop learning deficits as a result. The Mascot also may fear turning within or looking honestly at his or her feelings or behavior, so he or she may be out of touch with his or her inner feelings, and his or her spirituality. The frenetic social activity that the Mascot expresses is in fact often a defense against his or her intense inner anxiety and tension. The inability to cope with the inner fear and tension leads many Mascots to believe they are going crazy. If this inner anxiety and desperation is not addressed, it is not uncommon that a Mascot may slip deeper into mental illness, become chemically dependent, or even commit suicide. A special case is the only child. An only child in an alcoholic family may take on parts of all of these roles, playing them simultaneously or alternately, experiencing overwhelming pain and confusion as a result. Sharon Wegscheider notes that the longer a person plays a role, the more rigidly fixed he or she becomes in it. Eventually, family members "become addicted to their roles, seeing them as essential to their survival and playing them with the same compulsion, delusion and denial as the Dependent plays his [or her] role as drinker." 4

HUFF-Hard Core Showtime!

L-Word My Favorite on Showtime but HUFF is pretty hard core and intense stuff....alot on Addiction, Mental Illness and Life in general. Kick back weekend watching if you are not into Sports. As far as I can tell, you can get a bulk of the programming and series on Youtube.com and on DVD. I will check Hulu.com

"REMINISCING"-A CLASSIC

Sober, Sane and Productive "Very"

So much going on this last week and the beginning of the New Year with focus on work and goals that I would like to achieve for the first quarter of the year. A day at a time in consciously adjusting and improving my consious mind and behavior is so kool. I have been reading alot, brainstorming and strategizing. I have some clear action plans on how to clear out baggage that has tied me up for a couple of years and has kept me emotionally bonded to things that just no longer suit me. Have caught up on some great programming as well....mature audiences only!

The Last Tango in Halifax is a great new series from BBC if you like British programming, special surprise Episode 5. Also, I just recently started tuning into LogoTv.com; but found this series Youtube first!

Dry Drunk??

Just reflecting on a POST that I wanted to share a few weeks back on when the stress and depression was really kicking my Ass until I just stopped picking up the bottle for a bit. I reached into my pocket and my normal instinct would be that I would be reaching for a "nip" (small bottle/one shot of booze) of some sort (Vodka, Whiskey Rum, svedka, bacardi; ok you get the point). I had to not laugh but smile to myself because what was actually in my pocket was a small bottle of B-12 vitamins. Coming to grips with myself and how I let things go so far that I got the the point of carrying nips in my pocket is not a good thing at all. Having sober time, is important because at the very least it helps in re-gaining a semblance of control over one's actions.When it reaches that point of carrying NIPS in your POCKET...this is a very serious problem. Drinking may be the outer layer of deeper issues, it always is. Have the courage to take some time with yourself, look in the mirror and say I WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. I will invite HAPPINESS and JOY into my life. Reflections today.....heading into 2013....Letting go of toxicity. toxic people, behaviours, environments, etc. Sobriety as a consciousness raising and retuned thought process; it's like moving from an addiction centered mind to a conscious mind and letting go of discomfort with Self. It has always concerned me over the years when I attended AA meetings and when some meeting goers shared, they shared about gratitude but they also shared about bitterness and unhappiness. In fact one guy who shared at the meeting; this happened to be a gay AA meeting, was 20 years sober so he said but he was also bitter after so much sober time and frankly that scarred me. I attended this particular meeting during a period when I was off of the bottle for several weeks. Just to mention that the most consistent sober time that I have had in my adult life so far has been 14 months; admittedly with an occasional Odouls; a non-alcoholic brew.

I have also been exposed to a client of mine who I have been exposed to for over 2 years; who claims five years of sobriety; though he did have one slip on a beer binge but stopped immediately as far as I know. I ask the question does it really matter because as far as I can tell this person has switched from booze addiction to PILL addiction and prescription drug addiction including sleeping pills. I've come to know that this person has deep clinical and other mental health issues that may be more debilitating than and or the root cause of his alcoholism. I've come to know and consider this person to be a "nasty piece of work"; with addiction issues and underlying rage and rejection that is totally unhealthy. This also takes me back to a friend that was ready to end our friendship over a $20 dispute. She had more than 15 years sober and to me was still very manipulative. She was a friend that lifted me up and took me to an AA meeting when I was on a real d binder many, many years ago and for that I will be forever grateful. I truly believe that any form of Sobriety must also contain practical "practice" of some spiritual element and or self realization. My point being that recognizing that one/you/I have a drinking problem may be part of and underlying and or many underlying co-factors in a person's life. At best and at worst, active drinking for many years becomes a crux to cope unless there is a series of dramatic "positive" changes in a person's life; in other words, we may not even know that we have sub-consciously given into the addiction and or addictive behaviour until we are forced to recognize that, that is the case. A dramatic consciousness raising and or spiritual awakening and self realization in my opinion is an extremely important component of a conscious mind and thought process that in turn effects our behaviour(s) and helps us achieve other levels of conscious living. Funny after all of these years, I really am beginning to understand the concept of the dry drunk and it's really scary.