The Courage to Change Soberrecovery.com

Motivation for Quitting December 7th, 2012 Why would anyone ever quit drinking, drugging, eating, gambling or smoking? The answer seems simple, but is not as easy to find as one would suppose. Quitting is often the end result of a long-term, escalating problem that is posed by the use and then addiction to any of these behaviors or substances. How does one determine when quitting is a good idea? That is where the tough answers begin. Alcohol, drug, food, gambling and smoking are behaviors that exist in our social environment in varying degrees of acceptability and easy access. We all know people who do these things with impunity and no seeming consequences for the behavior. Perhaps they are socially acceptable in the circles they frequent or are done without overstepping the boundaries of what is deemed “normal” by their peers, family and friends. When, for others, does it stop being socially-acceptable? Depending on the social environment that exists for any of us, there are varying degrees of what is considered “normal.” Once again, we must define, for each person, the standards that make these behaviors okay or not okay to participate in. If it has become a problem in a person’s life, it may be the intervention of those people surrounding them that make it clear that it is no longer acceptable behavior. This may or may not be the motivation that a person needs to make the necessary changes in their habits of participating in the behavior. However, most addicts will not take this initial assessment to heart. They will stop the behavior when in the company of this group of persons, leave the group, or seek new companions and social environments that are more conducive to embracing the behaviors, or all of these. Such measures are common under these circumstances. This individual may continue to spiral into deeper association with persons and habitual use of substances or behaviors, until such time as they eschew all social interactions to avoid anyone’s knowledge of what and how much they are doing. Again, this is not unusual. What, then, can motivate them to see the patterns and become motivated to stop? A combination of factors will need to be present for them to become entirely ready to address the problem. It is most often an intrinsic, or inner drive to stop the disagreeable consequences that have begun to surface surrounding their actions. This may be a good time for worried friends, family members and co-workers to talk to them about their concerns with the choices being made. If the addict is willing to hear this information, they may be approachable to finding solutions as well. This is a good opening, but the rest of the motivation will have to come from within the addict themselves. While it may be possible for them to initially desire to keep a relationship with a beloved family member, a job, or to stop having legal consequences occur, there needs to be a determination by the addict that they are doing it for themselves. While all of these other situations may cause pain and hurt the addict, they will then become discouraged and decide that they have no willingness to quit. Until they are determined to stop because they care enough about themselves, it will not happen. All other motivating factors can, and will, change in time, anyway. They must care enough to make the radical changes that recovery will demand. Kelly McClanahan has an MSW in clinical social work, with a specialization in substance abuse treatment. Having worked in this field for over 20 years, she is currently working on her certification as an addictions’ counselor.

The Courage to Change November 2nd, 2012 This word regularly creates the same response in recovery settings: “Ugh! I hate change!” This is an interesting comment, since all around us, the universe spins faster than we can perceive, with change being the only thing going on at all times, without end. It sounds like work to recovering addicts. After all, isn’t their life now upside down, in seeming chaos, because of a change they made, from active addiction to recovery? And that does not look so great in the beginning. There is a lot of wreckage to clean up and a lot of work that they see necessary to maintain their abstinence. And now, talk of change as well? Visions of many things may come to mind when this word is introduced: That they must somehow become “good” instead of such bad, bad people. This is a change they do not begin to know how to make. Thankfully, it is not a necessary change. Mostly, they want to change the way they are seen by those who have despaired most during their addiction. This is the family and friends who watched them go from beloved son, daughter, wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, employee, friend and become an untrustworthy, manipulative, dishonest, selfish and inconsiderate addict. This change resonates with them. But how does one do this? What must change first? Old ideas are one thing to start with. It will take many years to rebuild broken relationships. The idea that it will happen quickly just because the substance abuse has stopped is not going to work. First of all, there may be a relapse in substance abuse. This will destroy the work if those in relationships believe it was only the substance that created the problem. Smash that idea immediately! Practicing becoming honest, trustworthy, respectful and emotionally available to these relationships takes a long time to learn, even longer to practice, and longer than that to trust for those who have been involved with anyone’s substance abuse. Learning to let go of doubt and anger and to believe in their loved one again takes as long as it takes. Dispel the notion that it will happen NOW or even Soon. It will happen slowly, over time, as they begin to see and believe that the changes you are making are real and viable. That you are becoming the person they could always see inside you that was being destroyed by the addiction. Other changes that will be necessary, over time are those more subtle that are part and parcel of the addict’s arsenal of survival skills such as blaming others, being the victim, being emotionally unavailable and taking without giving back. These are frequently behaviors that addicts adopt to keep others at arm’s length, especially if it threatens their addiction. Now that the addiction is gone, they need to uncover behaviors that supported their addiction and distanced others in relationships and change them. This is different with each person, and sponsors, mentors and therapists can help with these behavior modifications. Recovery is all about change. From beginning recovery to the many years that may be in store for an addict, it is the adventure of becoming the person they only dreamed of being. One change at a time, they blossom and thrive. It is, as is said in 12-step meetings “an inside job.” While not as difficult as feared, it is the reason for the second part of the Serenity Prayer, which asks for “the courage to change the things I can.” Kelly McClanahan has an MSW in clinical social work, with a specialization in substance abuse treatment. Having worked in this field for over 20 years, she is currently working on her certification as an addictions’ counselor.